Runner Speak

If you've ever talked to a runner about running or listened to two runners talking about running, you've probably noticed that runners care about this topic about a thousand times more than anyone. Normal people only want to hear about someone else's workout if they either fell off a treadmill or literally crapped their pants during exercise. (I've witnessed both scenarios, and both are a striking combination of hilarious and pitiful.) Runners are not this way. Ask a runner how their run was, and "good" is not the answer you will get. You will also get a story.

Most runners, especially those who run distances of 1 mile or greater, can probably recount every step of any running journey they've been on...and they want to tell you all about it. They will have it be known how many miles they ran, what their splits were during each one and if any of these were "negative splits," if any muscles started cramping and how that's never happened before, how heavy their legs felt, precisely when they "hit the wall," if any chafing occurred and which body parts it affected, if they had to pee or poop and where they went to take care of that business, what the weather was like and how it changed over the course of the run, if there were any incidents with traffic or crosswalks, and significant events involving an insect that was swallowed, inhaled, or collided with an eye.

I will spare you of most of those graphic details and just give you the high points of today's run.

I don't have any fancy running gear, like a device that calculates your distance, pace, heart rate, and reads your innermost thoughts. But I do have the internet and a stopwatch, so I used those to configure all my running what-nots.

The route

The final time (51:11)

Fancy internet pace calculator (8:27 average pace)

As promised, the high points:

• It was hot and muggy. In the 80's. 
• One armadillo spotted. Possibly one of the least intelligent creatures on earth.
• One bug nearly took out my left eye, but I made a quick recovery.
• There are lots of other bugs out there on a woodsy run. And no matter how many bees you punch in the face or flies you tell to f-off, there will always be more. 
• This was a hard run. I know I'm no speed demon, but I felt tired. There was no woo-hoo, I'm a fitness/running hero! at the end of it. I was gassed. But I'm having this to make myself feel better...

There's actually Oreo ice cream under that mountain of whipped cream.

...and I'm going to sleep like a corpse tonight. I can't wait.